Note: I originally wrote this for Obsidian’s Instagram page, but it was too long.
Double note: This post is explicit.
Let’s talk about weakness. I hope to look back on this in a few years and compare our then and now. We have come such a long way, through so much misinformed crap and betrayal. Through things that haunt me daily, but I cast away and push through. A list of Obsidian’s weaknesses:
1. Insecurity. A lot of this stems from myself, and from getting very wrong training advice (pure alpha / extra dominance theory bullshit). This ruined Obsidian and myself. There’s nothing quite as twisted up as knowing you’re hurting your dog with alpha rolls but someone you trust told you to do it so he can respect you and listen to every command. I can’t cry enough over how much I broke each of us down from being so stupid and cruel. I have been building him up, and watching him grow is building me back up too. He is still unsure of himself sometimes, but man, is he eager to learn and please.
2. Barking. Having my own PTSD with this (long, convoluted and emotional story), trying to abide by an unfair, unrealistic, “NO BARKING AT ALL FOR ANYTHING. NOT RVEN TO TRAIN HIM HOW TO BE QUIET” rule in the house plus dominance theory made for a very tense dog that still barks. I still get fear-stricken when he barks, but I’m learning to stay calm and redirect. Over the past month, I’ve notice his chill is way better. Less “I am so tense because someone is coming into the house and i know bad things happen when someone comes into the house and I bark but I’m scared so I’m gonna bark ” and more “hey! Someone is coming into the house!” Now when he barks, I’m a little proud of him. And guess what! He’s starting to make noises again when he’s training. He never used to, I think in fear of getting punished from old me. We’ve come so far!!!
3. Pure loose leash walking. Once again…. dominance theory f-ed this up. BE THE PACK LEADER. HURT YOUR DOG IF IT DISOBEYS. IF ITS EVEN A FRACTION IN FRONT, IT WANTS TO RULE YOU. No no no! I remember hearing this crap in my head all the time and now it seems like I’m remembering traumatic rote that was brain washed into my psyche. We’re both very tense during walks, and I only do training walks when I’m near 100% with my own emotional instability. He doesn’t pull like crazy, but he can’t relax. And if he can’t relax, he can’t think. And if he can’t think, he can’t trust me to take care of the situation. He doesn’t trust me on walks yet. I don’t trust myself on walks yet. We’re working on it together and as slowly as we both need, and I love that.
4. Food motivation. I… god guys, I’m just gonna cry. I ruined this one too. I destroyed his motivation. His Belgian drive. I destroyed it because I was frustrated. I destroyed it because Alpha knowledge said any defiance is disobedience and rebellion. I wasn’t taught to look at dogs as individuals, or to understand how they learn. If he got uninterested, he was punished. If he nipped a bit taking the treats excitedly, he was punished. If he made noise, he was punished. If he got distracted, he was punished. He stopped taking treats. I thought it was just because he wasn’t foot motivated, but he was, and I killed it. But now, our redemption is @Real Pet Food’s product. It has helped us connected in ways that other treats haven’t. We saw those treats as redemption and second chance in food motivation; it’s like we can feel the redemption from RPF’s own story coming through their treats.
5. Being in unfamiliar areas / stores. We are so working on this, and it’s going well. This one connects to the insecurity, but we’re both working through the fears together and at our own pace.
This is a super vulnerable post, because it is not just a list of Obsidian’s weakness but a list of my own. I am trying with all of my might to make up for the sins I put him through for a year and a half. Fuck Alpha Roles and Dominance Theory. Fuck the people who told me they were a dog trainers and told me how to “have dogs as obedient as theirs” (they weren’t that obedient). The most critical period of learning and growth, ruined. I would do anything to go back, but all I can do is go forward.
I vow to never put any future dogs or my CHILDREN through those kinds of teachings and mentality. No, I’m not purely positive because I think verbal corrections are necessary for Obsidian, but adversive training out of frustration and trying to be a horrible Alpha is not only unnecessary but cruel. Obsidian doesn’t do well on purely positive anyway, he likes a clear “no, not that, but this.” I cried in his fur for hours one night when I realized how much of a bully I had become, and that despite it all, he continued to be the most optimistic and forgiving dog I could ever ask for. No matter how much I WAS HORRIBLE, he still did his best to please me. My heart, my freakin wretched heart.
We have come so far. We have renewed our relationship ten fold. He is eager to learn, grow, try hard in new things, and work WITH me. We’re partners now, not hierarchy. We’re both more confident and happier. It’s friendship. We respect each other, I don’t demand his. We love to train together and practice heel work even though we both hate it. And we practice in front of staring strangers even if we’re self conscious. And we practice in front of my fiancé. And we practice when I’m tired. And I don’t get frustrated, and if I do I stop. And if he gets frustrated, we take a step back and reevaluate.
I can’t believe we’ve come this far. I’m so grateful for his forgiveness and unconditional loyalty and love. I know I can’t make up for the past, but I can damn well make sure the rest of his life is full of confidence building and real, intimate love. I love you, Goopy. I wish you could read this and understand why I’m crying, but your little relaxed sighs of the evening say enough.
~Lydia
myspiritisalive 